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Sometime in the past...
The exact details of how I stumbled accross the Staples 2 Naples rally are just a hazy distant memory now, but suffice to say having read the website I was hooked. All I needed to was find some poor unsuspecting souls I could con into joining me to form a team..
Enter Mike and Simon! I'm not sure whether they thought I was serious initially when I first eMailed them but foolishly they agreed and so £150 pounds lighter we became Team 83.
Meet the team:
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| Full Name: | Mark Gowans |
| DOB: | 09 Jan 1979 |
| Role: | Team Captain / Driver |
| Home Town: | London |
| Currently Drives: | Series III LandRover |
| Mechanical Skills: | Limited |
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| Full Name: | Michael Mussard |
| DOB: | 31 October 1978 |
| Role: | Chief Beer Taster / Driver |
| Home Town: | London |
| Currently Drives: | Ford Capri |
| Mechanical Skills: | "OK" |
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| Full Name: | Simon Clarke |
| DOB: | 21 July 1979 |
| Role: | Chief Mechanic / Driver |
| Home Town: | Dorset |
| Currently Drives: | Vauxhall Vectra |
| Mechanical Skills: | "About as good as Mike's" |
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So, having sorted out a team, all we needed now was a car. Let the hunt begin!
Tuesday May 25th 2005
It was just to be a regular Tuesday gathering at the old Student Union for the weekly pub quiz. But for the fact that Mike announced he'd found us a car.
Now.. I'd already got my own ideas on cars by this stage. My plan was to pick up an old shape Audi 100 as they seemed to be in abundant supply on eBay. It would have been large enough to be comfortable for the journey, powerful enough to have soaked up the miles and with the German build quality have hopefully provided us with trouble free motoring. As a backup, my parents had rescued an old Volvo 240 estate from a neighbours garden for £50, and I'd been offered the loan of that.
But no. Mike's friends', girlfriends' Father had a Volvo 440 he was going to scrap. Would we be interested? Well, not really wanting to put the mockers on things I said it'd probably do us grand. Hey - a volvo should be a safe bet - literally?! What model of Volvo is it? How old is it? What colour is it? None of these details were known.
Thursday June 2nd 2005
Mike announces he's going to pick the Volvo up that afternoon. It's our for free if we pay the £60 for the remaining tax.
...later that afternoon..
Mike calls to say the Volvo's made it home. Its actually cost us £30 plus the £60 for the tax as Mike felt bad about taking it for nothing. Fair enough.
So, what model is it, colour, year. "Grey" Mike replies, "a 440. H reg". Now.. I know a little bit about cars.. but my knowledge of Volvo models is somewhat lacking. Alarm bells started ringing in my head as I recalled a certain Jeremy Clarkson sketch where he drove a 'useless lump of pig iron' into a tree.
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The panic, dread and shame set in. Still.. not to be put off, I agreed to drive it with Mike from his to Simons on the coming weekend...
Saturday June 4th 2005
So, saturday came and we set off early to Mikes home to pick up the car. Imagine the elation as I turned the corner into Mikes road to see that the Volvo we had purchased was neither Grey nor the evil lump of pig iron I'd imagined. Infact.. to be honest the green Volvo was quite presentable. I was suitably impressed. Barring a few injections of character here and there and the odd bit of rust which I chose to ignore the thing looked remarkably presentable. Electric windows.. Sunroof.. wow.. heated seats. Not bad for £30. Oh.. and this thing called a Lamda Sond? With a renewed sense of excitement I took the keys off Mike and 'fired it up'.
..oh dear. oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.
What have we bought I mulled over to myself as the volvo coughed, spluttered, farted and stalled. "I think the choke might need an adjustment" offered Mike.. "it seems to stall when idling." Not knowing a lot about cars, I still knew enough that an 'injection' engine shouldn't really be suffering 'choke' problems.
Mikes brother came out at this point to laugh at our purchase and to enquire as to whether it was meant to be running on 3 cylinders only?
Well.. the way I figured it was.. it'd only cost us £30. Surely it couldn't be thatbad? Mike'd driven it up from near Brighton to South London afterall. Plus.. it couldn't stay here parked on the street - it had to get to dorset. So.. a little apprehensively, I agreed to drive it to Simons.
I'd never driven a car on 3 cylinders before, and I sincerely hope I never have to do it again. It has to be the singly most embarrasing thing one can do. Stopping at lights having everyone staring wondering what that terrible noise is coming from the thing stopped next to them. Still.. the thing managed to get up to 70 on the motorway and as the resonant frequency of the coughing and farting set in, the engine almost sounded smooth. We decided to take a brief stop en-route at the motorway services.
..it was here we nicknamed the car 'The Handicapped Pony'
I was quite glad of the rest at the services. A chance to strech the legs and take a break. Walking towards the entrance of the services I glanced back at the car to notice it had somehow grown a tail. Protruding from the exhaust was a good 7foot of hair. I pulled it out and it just seemed to keep coming. What on earth was this stuff? Sadly.. my phone had run out of battery life, so I couldn't get a photo.. but from that moment on, the car became the Handicapped Pony
Fortunately.. the rest of the journey to Dorset passed uneventfully and we managed to arrive at Simon's parents house in just about one piece.
To cut a long story short, a quick trip to Halfords and the afternoon spent under the bonnet later we managed to coax the Volvo into firing on all four cylinders once again. A real sense of achievement as all of us had suddenly considerably increased our experience of working on cars. It transpired that a new distributor cap, HT leads and spark plugs did the trick - but in fitting them we discovered the route cause of the problem - a leaking cam shaft oil seal. An ingenious previous owner had cracked out the bottom of the distributor cap flange to allow oil to drain out and run down the side of the engine instead of, presumably, filling up the distributor. Unfortunately.. most like, the same previous ingenious owner, had also super-glued the rotor arm onto the end of the cam spindle so we decided this would probably be a job for a qualified mechanic. Simon knew just the man.
Tuesday 21st June 2005
So meeting up for our regular Tuesday gathering, Simon informs us the car has gone to his local Mechanic friend. It looks like the car will pass its MOT with only needing new rear brakes and a hand-brake cable adjustment. Keeping fingers crossed it'll pass on emissions.
Saturday 25th June 2005
Its the London S2N meetup in Covent Garden. A chance to meet up with our fellow competitors. A good afternoon had by all - picked up some useful tips. Also learnt about the Lamda Sond. ..and the associated amusing tales of woe involving low oxygen environments such as in tunnels. Oh dear. Not good.
Friday August 19th 2005
Hurrah! Good news! The Volvo's passed it's MOT. Ok, it needed new brakes all round but hey - we were going to do those anyway. A real result.
Saturday August 20th 2005
So.. the weather was meant to be glorious this weekend and the plan was to head down to Simon's in Dorset to give the Volvo a good service and fit the radio. That should give us the whole of Sunday free for spending in the pub. Seeing as we'd already done the plugs and various leads to coax life into the 4th cyclinder, all that was really planned for the 'full service' was an oil and water change. Simple.
In order to warm up the oil ready for its change, I drove the Volvo down to the local Tesco's to fill up with Petrol. Hmm.. admittedly I'd spent several hours driving down from London in my car that same morning, but my clutch and accelerator control in the Volvo was truely awful. Suffice to say, Simon drove it back.
First job of the day was to change the oil, which meant getting the sump plug out. Fortunately we'd been forward thinking enough to buy a 'sump plug removal tool (tm)' from the local Halfords on the way down. Unfortunately, there was no way I could turn the bugger. Out with a set of grips. More leverage. Excellent, but still no rotation. A larger set of grips. No rotation. A long pole used for mooring boats too attached to the end of aforementioned long grips. Still couldnt turn. Hmm. Why is it always the simple jobs that turn out to hardest?! The problem seemed to be trying to keep the 'sump plug removal tool' firmly wedged into the socket whilst being able to apply enough force to turn it. A Simon's Dad, a long scaffold plank, a concrete breeze block and a little bit of engineering later we had oil nicely spraying all over the driveway. With the mangled remains of the old sump plug in our hands and with various disgusted comments about why PTFE tape had been used by the last careful owner, we decided a new plug would probably be a wise investment. Unfortunately for us, it was now after lunch time on the Saturday and all the local car spares places were either closed or didn't stock sump plugs. Having driven all over the south coast (no not in the Volvo!) a call through 118 500 to the local Halfords (doh!) revealed that they did infact stock 'generic' sump plugs. Perfect. Oil filter replaced, time to fit our shiny new plug. The underside of the Volvo was pretty oily and muggins managed to get conned into any job that involved being under the car.
 In order to have some resemblence of a professional job, I cleaned up all around the underside of the engine and fitted the new plug with matching washer. Si put a small cupful of oil into the filler and I watched in dismay as it promptly leaked all around the new plug. Dang. Evidently we'd chosen the wrong washer. Quite fed up of working on the sump now, we decided to take no chances in addition to using the 'other' supplied washer, we covered the plug's screw thread in liberal amounts of the aforementioned PTFE tape. Job done and no leaks! Result.
Second job of the day was to change the coolant. Much as I'd like to make up an intrepid tale of woe and chaos, the water change proceded without incident. Finally, a simple job almost without incident. The was a tad unfortunate. Let this be a lesson to any Volvo 440 owners putting their car up on ramps. When reversing aforementioned car off ramps, apply brakes liberally to avoid removal (via destruction) of both front fog lamps. Doh!
With all the sensible jobs out of the way, there was just enough time to fit the new car radio. The previous owner had conveniently left us a Volvo-ISO converter in the boot. Unvonceniently it was wired wrongly. A set of crimping tools and a few choc blocks later the volvo finally had sound! It didn't have radio unfortunately as the aerial connector was the wrong type. Still it was getting late, and a simple Aerial adapter from Halfords should fix this one in the morning, so we decided to call it a night and venture off to the pub.
Mike hadn't driven the car yet since it was firing on all 4 cylinders, so he volunteered to drive to the pub. Thankfully for me, he had as much trouble driving the thing as I had early. Pride slightly restored. I volunteered to drive the Volvo home that evening, and managed almost an entirely smooth journey. Still neutral seemed to be in the wrong place and the drivers seat felt like it was going to eject me through the windscreen.
End of story. ..although 'Mark - you've left the car radio on'!. 'Oh yes, silly me..'. Off. Oh. hmm. odd. How does one turn this radio off?! Unbelievable. It transpires, that the radio stays illuminated as long as it's got power. Seeing as the Volvo Radio connector doesn't supply an ignition switched feed, the radio always has power. -Groan- Another job for the morning..
Sunday 22nd August 2005
Up bright and early Sunday morning, we had to sort out the Radio power today and find an aerial adapter to make the Radio work. We'd also decided that Mike and I couldn't drive the car properly because either the clutch was on its way out or the engine mountings were dodgy. We decided to go on a quest to find replacement mountings. Seeing as he was the only person able to drive the car in a vaguely profession fashion, Simon drove us round to the local electrical suppliers to sort out some more choc blocks and things. Parked in a place of slightly questionable legaility, Mike and Simon ventured off to the shop, while I stayed with the car and fiddled with the drivers seat. Ah.. no longer did it feel like sitting in an ejector seat! Mike and Simon returned with all the essentials and a large bag of fried eggs?! En-route to Halfords we passed an independent motor-spares place which not only stocked the aerial adapter we required, but also air horns. Muwhahaha :)
Back at base, first job was to sort out a switched live feed for the radio. Thankfully, the conveniently placed heater fan control provided just the wire we needed to tap into. Propper job.
Fitting the Air horns was our final job of the day. Most of the time was spent discussing where would be the best place to mount them.
Removing the grille on the volvo is a 10second job. Removing the whole front bumper assembly we decided against. So with the aid of a bendy drill bit extension and a couple of hours of faff.. we had air horns. Excellent :)
As a boot note... feeling thoroughly pleased with ourselves, we spent what was left of Sunday down at the beach, digging a very large hole. The only point of slight interest here is that with the drivers seat correctly adjusted both Mike and I were able to drive the car properly! Doh!
Friday 26th August 2005
Decided against replacing the engine mountings - but will probably look into replacing the torsion bar..
Sunday 28th August 2005
While helping sort out the Radio in someone elses car, I discovered that the local Halfords in Cornwall stocks Viper Stripes. Excellent. I'm £19.99 poorer now. Just have to convince Mike and Simon they'll look good :)
Sunday 04th September 2005
Aha.. What may look like an essential tramps survival kit is infact the result of a careful weekends purchasing. The challenge for Day 3 of S2N is a Clint Eastwood day. Mike, Simon and I (and indeed all the other event competitors) have to spend the entire day dressed as Clint Eastwood from 'A Few Dollars More'. Sadly, as none of us had a handy Clint Eastwood costume at home, I spent the weekend scouring Charity shops and car boot sales all across London and have the above carefully chosen selection of merchandise to show for my troubles. What may look, to the untrained eye, like a selection of random off cuts is infact going to be transformed into 3x 100% authentic costumes. Oh.. and yes, that is a rug ;) Watch this space..
Saturday 10th September 2005
Mike spent this weekend holidaying in Wales, so left Si and I to attempt to turn my pile of rags into 3 Clint eastwood outfits. An interesting challenge, as although our combined mechanical skills are limited, our joing sewing skills are even less!
With a bit of foresight we cut up the sheep-skin coat and fingers crossed seemingly have enough sheepskin to make 3 wastecoats out of! (Watch this space)
After much pausing and advance-framing, we seemingly managed to watch the whole of "A Few Dollars More" at around 1/16th speed! Nevertheless, we did manage to find some excellent closeups of that darn poncho we could use as a guide.
It was decided that the indian rug I'd bought to turn into a poncho would be far too heavy to practically wear, so we headed off into town to find some substitute material and some spray paint. The local fabric warehouse had just the thing and combined with a can of spray-on primer from the local motor spares outlet, we were all set.
Making poncho's was considerably slower progress than I'd originally anticipated. By 7pm in the evening we had 2 halves ready to go. ..hmm I wonder if they had this much trouble in the wild west? ;)
Saturday 17th September 2005
Another early start today.. off to Dorset before the holidaying masses. The plan this weekend was to hopefully get everything wrapped up ready for our departure on Thursday. Si had ordered us a replacement engine vibration damper and some new foglights from the local Volvo dealer, so first order of the day was to pick those up and get them fitted.
We wont go into the cost of the replacement foglights here, and even less to be mentioned is the cost of the damper bar. Replacing the fog lamps was thankfully almost as simple as breaking them in the first place, although, as it required being under the car, muggings drew the short straw again. Fitting the replacement damper bar, once we'd eventually managed to buy a suitable ratchet extension piece, thankfully also transpired to be a relatively straightforward task.
With the new parts fitted, Si set to work on finishing off tailoring the Clint Eastwood outfits..
..while Mike demonstrated, in true Karate Kid style, his best wax on wax off..
Once clean the final job of the day was the bit we'd been looking forward to most. Playing with Stickers :)
As it transpired, fitting the Viper stripes was a surprisingly complex and time consuming task, although maybe Si, with ensuring the white strip on the windscreen wiper blade lined up, was taking this a little too seriously?
But by the end of the day (almost 12 hours since picking Mike up in the morning) - the Volvo was looking pretty Special. Well, for a £30 Volvo anyway :)
Sunday 18th September 2005
So the Volvo's up in London now which kind of limits the mechanical work we can do on the car to.. umm.. none. Still, spent the day with Mike pottering around the car, polishing, fixing the stone chip in the window and sticking more stickers on the car! Should be all set for its 15seconds of fame tomorrow!
Monday 19th September 2005
Photoshoot Day! Took a half days holiday at work today to give me plenty of time to sort out the last minute preparations and get to the Savoy in plenty of time for the Mio photoshoot. Picked Mike up en-route and got to the Savoy with an hour to spare. Just enough time for an ice-cream in the Sun. Post ice-cream we returned to where we'd parked the car to find a constant trickle of other S2N'ers slowly arriving.
So, now we've had a sneak peak at a selection of the entrants, our Volvo seems to be much shinier than the competition. I would attribute it to Mike's hard work polishing on Saturday, although the fact that most other cars were coated in a thin coat of matt emulsion probably helped our cause somewhat! Still much sillyness and merryment was had by all throughout the photoshoot. I lost count of how many times we paraded over Westminster bridge in the end causing traffic mayhem, but that might've had something to do with the fact that team 27's exhaust in front of us had fallen off and Mike and I were both high on petrol fumes! The day ended with a group photo and gathering in Hyde Park at sunset. T-3 days to go!
Tuesday 20th September 2005
Why do things always go wrong at the last minute? I was concerned on the photoshoot yesterday that the exhaust knocking had gotten worse and it was definitely blowing. Didn't really want to risk driving all over europe with the distinct possibilitly that the exhaust was going to fall off. Trouble is, with the car in London - there was no where to work on the vehicle our-selves. Thankfully, my local garage came to the rescue and at the 11th hour with no prior warning was able to fix the problem! My huge thanks goes out to:
Wednesday 21st September 2005
Just 1 day to go until we leave for Calais. A full day in the office for me today, so Mike took the car to sort out our 'PA' system. ahem.
Just before lunch I got the txt message from Mike to say our Radiator had sprung a leak and it didn't look like Rad-Weld would help much. PANIC! Thankfully by some slight miracle, we managed to source a new radiator so hopefully we shouldn't have any trouble with the cooling now! (Famous last words). hmm.. I wonder if anything else can break or fall off before tomorrow...
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